Drunk Envy
by Luikaki
Summary: This is what happens when Envy gets drunk in the last three episodes. Eventual EdEnvy.
1. Episode 49 Part 1

Luikaki: Uh, let's see, uh . . . this is my first one! Don't hurt me!

Disclaimer: Look at another FMA fic if you really want to know.

Episode 49 – Part 1

Envy popped the cork off the wine bottle. "Cheers!" He sat atop the tied-up Al and drank.

"I hate you!" Al shrieked.

Envy ignored the not-so-nice comment. He was already half-way done with the bottle. "You want the rest?" the homunculus asked Al with a drunken grin.

"What do _you_ think?" Al snapped. There was a silence. Envy was trying to figure out why he said that.

"Oh, that's right. You're too young," Envy replied. He finished the wine and threw the bottle against the wall. He stood up; kicked Al's head, then left.

"There were so many times when I should have died," Al mused dramatically. Flashbacks began. There was that time when he was little when he accidentally hit a bird's nest with a broom and rabid hummingbirds attacked him. And that time when he got a paper cut. And when a runaway train almost hit him. Note that in the anime, the flashbacks were slightly different.

Meanwhile, Ed has entered the mansion. How the hell did he get there so fast? I dunno. "Al! Where the hell are you?" Ed called out. No answer, so he kept on walking.

Ed entered that fancy room where Rose was supposed to be dancing in, but she's not there yet. Neither was anyone else, but a piss-drunk Envy screwing around in a dress.

"You bastard! Where's my brother?" Ed yelled. He turned his automail arm into a blade and charged at Envy.

"Oh dear, someone catch my fall!" Envy swooned. He fell towards Ed and the shrimp just moved out of the way. Envy fell flat on the floor. He quickly stood up. "Hey, what the hell, you – you – I don't even know you! Get out of my house!"

"Sorry, I didn't think you'd really fall," Ed apologized. He helped Envy up. "Hey, wait a minute! Why am I helping you?"

"Because you love me!"

Ed stared blankly at the drunk. "What the hell? And why are you wearing a dress?"

"Huh?" Envy looked down at himself. "Holy crap, I am!" He giggled and twirled around. "Don't I look pretty?"

Ed was so disturbed; he wanted to run away crying. But then he remembered why he came. Well, at least he thought he did. "Where's the bathroom?"

Luikaki: Please review! (cries)


	2. Episode 49 Part 2

Luikaki: Damn, and I barely started this yesterday! Hope it's good!

Episode 49 – Part 2

Anyone wondering what Dante's doing? No? Oh, well. She's touching Rose. "What a nice body . . ." the perverted Dante whispered. The intense shock of this snapped Rose out of her spell.

"Ew, what the hell, you bitch!" Rose screamed. She slapped away Dante's hand from her face and ran away screaming with her baby.

Dante sat silently. Then Gluttony stormed into the room and started shaking her, asking, "Where's Lust? Where's Lust?"

Dante said nothing. She was too disappointed that she scared her almost-new body away. "Why am I still sitting around? I should chase after her . . ." She thought for a moment. "Screw it, I'm too old." Then she slapped Gluttony away.

Meanwhile, Ed and Envy were dancing in the big dance room. "How the hell did this happen?" Ed wondered. He shrugged. "Right, left, right, left . . ."

"I can see right over your head!" Envy giggled, still heavily intoxicated.

Ed got the evil eyes. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HIS MOM SAT ON HIM AND–" He lost his voice when Envy placed gentle fingers over his lips.

"You're so cute when you're mad," Envy whispered and moved his face closer to Ed's.

Ed blushed a little and he felt like he needed to change the subject. This was getting weird. He tried to move his head back farther. "Uh, you've haven't told me where the bathroom is . . ."

"Oh my, we shouldn't move this relationship so quickly!" Envy giggled. Then he let himself fall because he felt tired. Poor little Ed could not hold him up so they both fell.

Envy's body was warm – but freakin' heavy. And the smell of wine was really strong. "Uh, are you gonna get off?" Ed asked. His mind told himself to push Envy away, but his body was frozen.

"I dunno; you tell me," Envy replied with a smile. He started playing with Ed's hair, twirling the bangs around a finger. And that was when Rose ran in.

"Eww! No wonder you didn't fall for me, Ed!" Rose squealed. She looked at Envy. "Wait, you're a guy, right?"

"Why? Don't I look like one?" Envy asked.

"Uh, no . . . you're wearing a dress." Rose looked down at herself. "Hey look, we're wearing the same one!"

"Aw crap . . ." Envy started because he knew how horrible it is for two people to show up wearing the same dress. He smacked his lips. "One of us is gonna have to change."

Rose lowered her eyelids. "Well, who do you think that's gonna be?"

No one is good at trivial questions when they're drunk, so Envy replied, "You, right?"

Ed had to butt in: "Damn it, you can change without even moving, Envy! And get off!"

Envy sat up on Ed's stomach to ponder over what he said. He tried different poses. He crossed his legs. That hurt Ed. Then he spread his legs out. Now Ed really needed to go to the bathroom.

Ed would die of embarrassment if he wet himself in the presence of Rose and Envy. But why did his pants feel funny in the first place? Holy crap!

Meanwhile, with Al: "Nii – saaan!" Poor Al was forgotten.

Luikaki: Heh, poor Al.


	3. Episode 49 Part 3

Luikaki: And Wrath finally debuts!

Episode 49 – Part 3

Wrath came into the dance room crying. "Mommy! You've gotta bring my mommy back!" He kneeled down and clung onto Envy.

Envy stared at Wrath through intoxicated eyes. "Huh? Where'd she go?"

"She evaporated!"

Envy snorted. "Man, if I wasn't drunk, I, I still wouldn't believe you!"

While Wrath tried to convince Envy that he wasn't bullshitting, Ed was still under Envy, continually mumbling, "Think un-sexy thoughts. Think un-sexy thoughts." The first thought that came to mind was Winry shaving her legs. That helped only slightly. Then Ed forced his little mind to imagine Armstrong joining Winry. All feelings from his waste down died. He sighed of relief.

Envy looked down at Ed as if he'd just realize he was there. "Damn, you look so freakin' familiar . . ." Envy pointed out. With his finger. He got Ed's eye.

"Ow."

"Oh, that's right!" Envy gasped. "You're that chibi-san! That bastard I hate!" He made an evil face that scared the crap out of Ed. "Your father, he . . . he . . ." Envy started to cry. "He left me!" He hugged Ed and buried his face in his chest. "He thought I was ugly! And that's why I make myself look like this! Plus, I like making fun of fanboys that fall in love with me." (Luikaki: Aw, crap. Damn you, Envy!)

Rose glanced around nervously. "Uh, can I leave now?"

"I guess," Wrath said, wiping his eyes. He pointed to the exit.

Rose was about to leave, but then Dante came in all pissed off – mostly because Gluttony was still bothering her. "Lust? Where'd Lust go? Where's Lust? Where could-"

"Damn, I wanna hit you!" Dante spat, shaking a fist. But she wanted to be nice. Then she saw Envy crying on top of Ed. And Rose leaving. And Wrath politely showing her the way. She punched Gluttony to let out some of her anger. Gluttony was sad. He went to a corner and cried.

Rose and Wrath gasped. "Shame on you!"

Dante ignored them. She went to Envy. "What the hell's your problem? Where's Al? Why are you on top of Ed? Why are you crying? And why are you wearing a dress?"

"Don't yell at me!" Envy cried some more. Ed patted his back, trying to calm him down, but Envy went hysterical. "I'm so confused! I'm in a dress and I'm crying on top of Ed! Don't you see how hard this is on me?"

Ed had a suggestion. "Well, you can get off me, take off the dress, and –"

"Ed!" Envy gasped. "What are you thinking?"

"What are _you_ thinking?"

Envy stopped crying. "I have a plan." He caressed Ed's face and whispered, "Let's kill Dante. _Together_."

Ed blushed again. He bit down on his lips. His heart was pounding. And then Dante said, "I'm standing right here, you idiot."

Luikaki: Whew! End of episode 49!


	4. Episode 50 Part 1

Luikaki: Hmm, I wonder what else Havoc and Fury did while they were dressed as Roy and Riza.

Episode 50 – Part 1

Envy hopped off of Ed and changed out of his dress back into his bra-thing and skort. Ed got off the floor and clapped his automail arm into a blade in one movement.

Dante sighed. "You two are retards. I can whoop your asses in my sleep."

"Aw, my mom _does_ think of me!" Envy giggled.

Dante was disturbed, then distracted since Ed came after her. He came at her head-on, so she easily blocked him by placing her palm on his forehead so his arm couldn't reach her. Ed was pissed, unable to stab her.

"You're just like your father," Dante said.

_Back in the day, when Dante and Hohenheim were young and in their original bodies, they got into a serious fight that almost killed them both. They both fought relentlessly in a field of daisies. Hohenheim charged at her and she just put her palm on his forehead to stop him._

"_A tomato's a fruit!" Hohenheim shrieked._

"_No, it's a vegetable!" Dante yelled back. "Why else does it go bad in room temperature?"_

"'_Cause you suck! Damn, why did I marry you?" Hohenheim moved back and transmuted part of the ground into a halberd._

Ed moved back and transmuted part of the ground into a halberd. He dashed towards Dante again and this time Envy backed him up. They both attacked from different angles and both missed since Dante is one crafty bitch. She moved out of the way.

Envy clumsily crashed into Ed and kicked him with all his might.

Ed went flying a couple of feet. "What the hell? Aren't we on the same side?"

"Oh, sorry." Envy scratched the back of his head. "It's just you guys look alike!"

"How the hell do I look like Dante?" Ed shrieked, rubbing his face where Envy kicked him.

Wrath clapped and giggled. "Let's stay a little longer!" he told Rose. "I wanna see who wins!"

"What kind of fight is this?" Dante sighed. She just watched as Envy helped Ed up, dusted him off, and kissed his boo-boo.

Ed rubbed his cheek, all embarrassed. "Lemme finished her," Envy told him. He ran towards Dante in a curved line since he almost fell over. Then he threw a punch way too early and missed by a mile and fell flat on the floor.

"You've gotta be kidding me!" Dante almost laughed, hiding her face in her hands.

Envy was quick to get back up since he wanted to make a dramatic scene in front of Ed. "Watch me! Watch me, Ed!" he declared. He kicked Dante in a drunken twirl and actually hit her because she was busy laughing. But Ed didn't watch. He was still thinking about the random kiss. Envy turned back to Ed. "Aw, you didn't watch!" he whined.

"You can't hit me! I'm a girl!" Dante shrieked. She kicked Envy on his shins.

Envy hissed. "You're _kicking_, Dante? Where's your fancy alchemy?"

"Right up your ass if you don't stop this shit!" Dante clapped her hands and created a snake coming out of the ground.

"Holy crap! How'd you do that?" Envy shrieked.

Ed knew that as long as Envy was like this, he was screwed. So he went back into the joke of a fight with his halberd. And yes, he's forgotten about Al again.

Luikaki: The rest of this horrifying "fight" will continue soon!


	5. Episode 50 Part 2

Luikaki: Chibi Envy is so cute!

Episode 50 – Part 2

Envy was fixated on that huge-ass snake, only able to stare like an idiot at it as it dove right at him, fangs ready to rip him apart.

"Idiot! Get out of the way!" Ed shrieked. He stopped his assault on Dante and raced to Envy's rescue. The plan was to shove Envy out of the way and block the snake with his halberd, but Envy clung onto Ed so they both fell again. The snake's face crashed into the ground, breaking the halberd and fracturing Ed's automail arm.

Envy screamed in horror. "Your arm! It's bending the other way!" He started to cry and hugged Ed. "You're gonna be alright! Don't worry, I'm not lying – you're gonna die!"

Ed didn't know there was something wrong with his arm because, well, he can't feel it. "Huh? I'm fine…"

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Really really?"

"_Yes_!" Then Ed looked at his arm. "Oh shit! No I'm not!" He could just imagine how Winry would react.

"_Ed, you retarded bastard!" Winry would say, holding a razor in her hand in place of a wrench because Ed's mind is kinda stuck on imagining her shaving her legs. And Armstrong is in the background, too._

"_This shaving technique has been passed down the Armstrong line for generations!" Armstrong would say. Yeah, that sounds like him._

_Then Roy walked into Ed's mind wearing nothing but a towel and holding a razor. "Hey, can I join you guys?"_

Ed shook his head violently. "Oh hell no! Get out of my mind!"

Envy tapped Ed's shoulders. "So what are we gonna do about that snake?"

Ed had a plan. "You get Dante. I'll deal with the snake." Envy nodded and dashed towards Dante, who was busy controlling the snake, so maybe Envy had a chance with not screwing this up.

Ed clapped his normal arm with his crippled automail arm, touched the ground, and forced the snake back into what it originally was.

"Stop being mean!" Envy whined at Dante. He pulled her hair, which led Dante to do the same to him.

"You ass!" Dante shrieked. "You're ruining everything!" She scratched Envy's face. Then she looked at the still depressed Gluttony at the corner and called to him. "Kill Envy, you useless sack of lard!"

That hurt Gluttony badly. "I'm not fat! Where's Lust? Where'd Lust go?" He started again.

Wrath and Rose went to try to cheer the poor abused Gluttony up. "Don't listen to Dante!" Wrath told him. "She's a bitch!"

Rose nodded in agreement. "Yes, she shouldn't be taken seriously."

Dante heard this, of course. She ended her catfight with Envy by telling him, "Time out. I'll be right back."

"Okay!" Envy replied too happily. He moved away from Dante.

"What? No!" Ed yelled. He ran towards Dante and Envy. Dante quickly clapped her hands and created a wave out of the ground that wrapped itself around poor Ed.

"You're going to stay there!" Dante spat at the trapped Ed. She turned to Gluttony, Rose, and Wrath. "And you brats better make sure he doesn't escape or I'll kill you all." Then she looked at Envy, who was just swaying idly. "Now without further interruption, I'm continuing my plans." She left the room. To Al's.

"Damn it! Someone help me!" Ed yelled. He looked at Rose, then at Wrath. Both shook their heads in fear of Dante killing them. Ed sighed. "Envy . . ."

Envy perked up. "You need me? But..." He shied back. "I don't wanna get Dante mad!"

Ed bit his lips in trying to come up with a plan. He came up with something brilliant: "Listen, Envy. There's a shiny penny in my pocket. And I'd love to give it to you if I wasn't stuck between the ground here."

Envy's eyes lit right up. He didn't even know what a penny was, but Ed had him at the word _shiny_. "Okay, I'll get you out!" Envy declared. He turned one of his arms into a drill and… hmm, maybe Ed's asking too much of him.

Luikaki: Everyone should watch the chibi OVA!


	6. Episode 50 Part 3

Luikaki: Wanna guess how Dante dies? Ready? Okay.

Episode 50 – Part 3

Envy lifted his drill-arm up, ready to strike the ground; Ed screamed in terror; but then Envy decided to use his normal arm instead. He punched the ground enclosing Ed and it crumbled into pieces.

"What the hell was the drill for?" Ed shrieked.

Envy giggled. He stared at his arm in wonder as it turned back to normal. "Isn't that awesome?" Then he remembered something. "Weren't you supposed to give me a shiny?"

Ed stood up and dusted himself off. "Oh, about that –eek!" Envy put a hand in his pocket. Ed did nothing at first since it felt ... good. And then Envy searched through it as far as his hand would go. Ed hopped away. "Don't do _that_!" he squeaked.

Envy pouted. "You promised . . . Now I won't be able to buy nice things. Like maybe something not so tight." He lifted the skirt part of his skort. Everyone stared in shock. "Look at this! It's so revealing! I need new clothes! Look at this!"

"Stop it!" Ed shrieked. He pulled Envy's arms away from his skort. "Remember what we're supposed to do? Kill Dante!"

"No, we'll get in trouble!" Wrath whined.

"Not if we kill her before she kills us!" Envy declared. "'Cause then she'll be dead!"

"Oh," Wrath replied. "That makes sense."

Meanwhile, Dante was having a hard time looking for Al. "Damn, where the hell did Envy put him?" She looked through an empty room and well, it was empty. She slammed the door angrily and went on down the corridor. "I might have to wait until he sobers up..."

And that was when Envy ambushed her. "I got you!" He came from the ceiling and slammed into the ground behind Dante.

Dante quickly turned around. "What the . . ." She took a step back and "AHH!" she fell down the stairs. Envy and the others scurried to watch the scene. Dante was screaming for her life and her body was flopping every which-way down the loooong flight of stairs.

There was silence when she hit the ground. She lay motionless, making no noise.

Ed broke the silence. "Daaaaamn, that's a crappy way to die."

"Mommy . . ." Envy said in a sad voice. "Well, at least she died with dignity."

"She fell down the stairs!" Rose said.

"Wow, that's pathetic," Wrath commented. "And after you guys tried so hard to kill her."

"So . . ." Ed said. "Now what?"

"We do what everyone does when someone dies. . ." Envy said. "PARTY! I know where the wine cellar is!" He headed down the stairs. Everyone but Ed followed. Gluttony took a bite of Dante's leg, but she didn't taste so great, so he left the rest.

Ed rubbed his chin. "Damn, what am I forgetting?" He closed his eyes and tried to think. But all he could see was Envy's crotch and him saying, _Look at this! Look at this!_ Ed assumed this meant that he really wasn't forgetting something. So he followed the others to the wine cellar. "I could really use a drink anyway."

Back with poor little Al: "_One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do,_" he sang quietly because there was nothing else for him to do. "_Two can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one_. . . Ni-san, what's taking you so long . . ?"

Luikaki: Pretty classic, huh?


	7. Episode 51 Part 1

Luikaki: Last episode!

Episode 51 – Part 1

They entered the cellar, wine bottles covering the walls. Envy was first to attack them. "I win!" he giggled. The others ignored him and got their own bottles, except for Rose's baby of course.

Gluttony took an entire wall for himself, eating the glass and shelves and all. He sat down, felt a bit dizzy, then he saw Wrath sitting and felt offended. What a copy-cat! Gluttony went up to Wrath and head-butted him.

"Stop that," Wrath replied calmly. He pushed Gluttony and that soothing rocking makes him go to sleep.

Rose is a hallucinating drunk. "Oh, my God! That's my song!" she squealed, though there was no music. She placed her baby on the floor and grabbed Ed's arms. "Let's dance!"

Envy sees this, so he naturally pushes Rose to the ground. "Don't touch him!" he shrieked, threw an empty bottle at Rose, and hit Wrath instead.

Wrath falls unconscious, so now he and Gluttony are both sleeping like Rose's baby. Aw!

Ed stares at his newly opened bottle. He had second thoughts about drinking. "… I don't think this is a good idea."

"Oh, don't worry baby!" Envy said in a high voice, throwing an arm around Ed. "Trying to bring your mommy back was a bad idea, but you did _that_!"

Envy's point was a pretty bad one, but Ed's curiosity to drink alcohol for the first time won. So he did drink. And it was like French-kissing a palm tree. He felt relaxed, light, happy, until Envy stuck a hand in his pants.

"What are you doing?" Ed squeaked.

"I'm still looking for the shiny." Envy wrapped both hands around Ed's waist and they both fell again.

"Oh sure, _you_ can dance with him!" Rose whined. Then she blindly searched around the floor for her baby. "There you are! Trying to run away from me, weren't you?" She was talking to the sleeping baby. "Not talking, eh?" Rose was becoming cross-eyed. It was hard to focus on one object. "Spoiled brat…" she mumbled before she dozed off.

Envy was more jealous than ever. "Ed, why can't we have a baby?" he whined, searching for Ed's pockets.

"Sorry," Ed mumbled. He didn't mind Envy touching him anymore. "I can't give you that. I'm not a, um, whatever women are."

"Women," Envy spat. "Dante was one. Can't live with them...that's it."

"Oh yeah, that lady. Should we bury her or something?" Ed asked.

"Why? She's _dead_!" Then Envy felt sad. "She's dead…Now our kids won't have grandparents! How awful!"

It was silent. Then they heard a noise. It was Al banging his head against a wall out of boredom, but no one knows that.

"What was that?" Ed asked.

"It's our future children banging their heads against a wall because they don't have grandparents to make fun of."

"Sorry," Ed said again. "It's just I don't think I have the right parts. That's right." Ed picked up a bottle. "I have something that looks like this…" He drank from the bottle only to find out it was empty. "My soldiers will never experience the feeling of going outside."

"Well, it's clear what I have to do," Envy said while getting up. He wobbled a little, then when he gained enough balance, he helped Ed up. Without a question, Ed let Envy lead him out of the cellar and into a bedroom.

Luikaki: My God! Envy must be really deep right now!


	8. Episode 51 Part 2

Luikaki: Hmm, I guess I should warn you guys about the drunken sex here, but you saw it coming, right?

Episode 51 – Part 2

Ed and Envy barged into the bedroom hand-in-hand. Envy shut the door and pulled Ed close to his body and into a kiss. Ed accepted his tongue and they fought for dominance as they edged closer to the bed.

Ed ended up on top. He pawed at Envy's sports-bra, unable to take it off. Envy giggled, assuming Ed was just tickling him. Ed quickly gave up on undressing Envy, so he ripped off his own clothes and discarded them to the floor. He was moving fast as if he knew what he was doing. But once he was sitting naked on top of Envy, he stopped.

Envy stared blankly at Ed. "That's it?"

Ed scratched his head. "Um, I dunno, I dunno what's next. Maybe it'll help if your clothes weren't part of your skin."

"Oh." Envy changed out of his clothes in a blink of an eye. At first, Ed could only stare – stare at the beautiful pale body under him, just for him. He felt his way around Envy's perfect body; those curves, so soft, except for that thing getting hard. Ed found great amusement in stroking it since it made Envy do interesting sounds.

Then Ed grabbed his own throbbing manhood. "Ah, where does this go?"

"Eh," Envy replied through a quick breath, "My guess is as good as yours…Ah, my eye!"

"I'm nowhere near your eye!" Ed momentarily stopped exploring the contents between Envy's legs.

"Then what's this hair – oh, it's an eyelash." Envy rubbed his eye. "Never mind! Continue whatever the hell you're trying to do!" And so Ed did. He stroked, licked, and rubbed things together until he discovered _the entrance_. He harshly stuck two fingers inside and Envy screamed. "EDWARD!"

"Hm? Did it hurt?" Ed asked.

"No, I just felt like screaming your name. Go on, go on!"

After some crafty thinking, Ed finally figured it out. He started off really hard and in a quick pace; Envy seemed to like it, so he kept it that way. But Envy wanted Ed closer. He wrapped his arms around the chibi's shoulders and pulled him in so that their chests touched, then he skillfully wrapped his legs around Ed.

"Wow, I didn't know you could bend that way!" Ed commented.

"Wanna find out what else I can do?" Envy asked provocatively. He pulled Ed into another kiss, this time with more tongue and sucking and biting. Without warning, he thrust upward, pushing Ed deeper inside him. The chibi moaned loudly. This pleased Envy very much, so he kept at it.

One, two, hundreds more thrusts were finally enough to satisfy them for the night. Ed rolled over next to Envy on the bed and caught his breath. "You think," another breath, "that's how it's done?" Ed asked.

"Maybe we'll find out in the morning," Envy replied, pulling Ed closer to him again. He started to run his fingers through his lover's hair. Nothing was said for a while.

"…Envy, I wanna say I love you in a romantic way, but I can't think of any."

Envy nuzzled Ed's neck. "That's good enough. But when we do have kids, we'll have to come up with a bunch of crap to make this special day sound romantic."

Ed changed the subject: "So, how was I?"

Envy smirked. "Oh Ed, you're so—" he fell asleep before he could finish. But Ed didn't mind because at least the sex was over and he was really tired, too. So Ed threw an arm over Envy and joined him in happy dreamland.

Then morning came.

Luikaki: Damn, I guess I can only hope my first time won't be like that!


	9. Episode 51 Part 3

Luikaki: Gasp! It's the end! Thank you again you reviewers! I'm confident enough to start another story soon! (bows) 

Aztec Goddess: (bows, screws curtseys) I'm the editor, in case you didn't know. And damn, this guy can't spell! I'm proud you came this far, Che-lis!

Luikaki: So now that I completed my mission, will you start your Ed/Envy now?

Three Dog Night: (enters) We would like to point out that "One" sung by Al is _our_ song. (leaves)

Aztec Goddess: . . . Weird. Anyway, yeah, I'll probably start writing much sooner than you.

Luikaki: Yay! Oh, and (ahem) I now present the final part of the final episode:

Episode 51 – Part 3

Ed was first to wake up. He felt warm breath on his neck, a strong arm around his waist, and as soon as he realized it was Envy: "HOLY SHIT!" He quickly sat up and moved the covers in hope to see that nothing happened. But he doubted that they played with whipped cream that night.

"My head . . ." Envy groaned as he too woke up. He moaned as he sat up and stretched. Ed just watched as if hypnotized, but when their eyes met they screamed hysterically until they had to catch their breath.

"We didn't really . . ." Ed started shakily.

Envy slowly shook his head. "My ass hurts. I can't believe I was on the bottom!"

"And I wasted my first time on you!"

"And you really sucked!"

"_And in front of me, ni-san!"_ another voice shrieked.

Ed was afraid to turn his head and see who that was. But he did, and he screamed again. "AL! How . . . how long—"

"Out of all the rooms in this place!" Al shrieked. "Why here? Why in the one I'm trapped in? I tried screaming but – nothing! I couldn't do anything!"

Ed hid his red face with a cover. "I can't believe this! I screwed the enemy – _in front of my brother!"_

"If it makes you feel better," Envy said, "I'm kinda like your brother, too." Ed could only stare bug-eyed and open-mouthed at Envy.

"You're sick, ni-san. _Sick_!" Al spat.

Ed plopped face-down on the bed. "My life's over," he groaned. And that's all he had to say. Al went silent. Envy stared sympathetically at Ed. He placed a hand on Ed's shoulder. "What're you—"

"It'll be okay," Envy said. "Al won't remember a thing once he's back in his human body."

Ed looked up. "You mean you can really do that?"

"Well, isn't Dante's corpse lying around somewhere? Using her plus all the alchemic power Al's filled with right now should be enough."

And so they gave it a shot. Envy changed into his usual outfit and untied Al as Ed looked for and put on his own clothes. Then they headed out the door and easily found Dante. Ed made the transmutation circle Envy told him to do; there was a lot of light, so now all Ed needed to do was concentrate and wait.

Wrath, Gluttony, Rose and her baby came up from the cellar, all looking dazed. Wrath squinted. "What's that light?" They headed towards it like retarded mosquitoes.

Al in his human body appeared flat on the floor as if someone stripped him naked and threw him off a building. "Urg," he groaned as he got up. Then he looked around curiously. "Ni-san, where are we? And where did my clothes go?"

Ed sighed of relief. He really didn't remember! But how was he to explain all this? "Um, you fell off a cliff so that's how your clothes ripped off and you ended up in this underground city."

Al stared blankly at Ed. "…Oh, okay." Maybe he didn't want to know the truth.

Rose was first to approach them. "Ed, why are you with a naked little boy?"

Al stared confused at the four strangers. "Excuse me, who are you people?"

Ed bit his lip. Now he knew he needed to explain much more to Al, but he'll definitely leave out the parts with Envy. Ed looked around. "Hey, where's Envy?"

Rose, Wrath, and Gluttony stared at one another and shrugged. "We haven't seen him this morning," Wrath replied.

Ed stood silent for a moment. Then he turned to Al. "Let's go find you some clothes and get out of here."

It was pretty quiet the way back except when Ed was busy talking, filling in only some gaps in Al's memory. For all Al knew, Rose was always their teen-mother-childhood-friend and Wrath and Gluttony were their distant relatives they never visited. Ed joined the military because he just felt like it and he was currently under the command of a retarded donkey named Roy Mustang. Everything else was boring, not worth mentioning.

They were going to spend the night at Headquarters because there weren't any trains heading to Rizembool that day. And if someone told Al things about his past that Ed hadn't told him, Al had the right to slap them for being crazy.

Night came by so slowly. Ed walked out into the balcony of his room. The sky was clear, the stars glistened, and the moon was full and bright. But Ed wasn't feeling so great. He's the only one that knows everything that happened at Dante's place. Was it right to just forget about it?

Or maybe it was just a dream, Ed tried to convince himself. Yeah, a lot of things don't seem real when it's just a memory. So maybe the only real things are here and now like this balcony, those stars, that full moon—

"So beautiful." Ed jumped at the sound of Envy's voice.

He turned and replied nervously, "Hm – oh, yeah, the moon…"

Envy smiled and walked over to Ed and stood next to him on the balcony. He leaned over on the handrail and started to cackle.

"What's so funny?" Ed asked, somehow feeling offended.

"Last night—Ed, you remember more than me!" Envy was flat-out laughing now. "_Where does this go_, you said!"

Ed blushed. "But you didn't know what to do either!"

Envy gave Ed a suggestive smile. "And now that we _do_ know…" Envy roamed a hand down Ed's back, around his waste, and pulled him closer.

Ed blushed like crazy again. But he didn't fight back. "…Where did you go?" he asked.

"I decided to come back, so it doesn't matter." That answer was good enough for Ed. He didn't even resist when Envy bent down to kiss him.

"It's not fair," Ed pouted. "You're so freakin' hot!"

Envy swept Ed off his feet. "Damn right I am!" He meant between his legs. And since Ed felt that way too, he allowed Envy into his room and moments later when they were both on the floor, naked, feeling each other up, he allowed Envy inside him.

And that's about the time Al came into the room with a food tray. "Ni-san, I thought you'd like some dinner before—AHHHHHH!"

Tragically, nothing could help Al forget this time.

Fin


End file.
